So, I’ve been gone for a while now, but, hey, life happens. Also, college is a thing.
These past three weeks have been a weird, stressful, emotional roller coaster and honestly I think I’m still trying to process it. I moved out of my house. My college classes started a little over a week ago. A week before that my grandma died.
Quick warning: stuff’s about to get heavy.
I haven’t addressed it. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t addressed it and I feel like I should. I haven’t talked to anybody about it, except to tell someone that it happened, and I have a bad track record with keeping things bottled up. So, in keeping with my goal of using my time at college to become a better person, I’m going to try to chip away at that problem and open up.
It’s been hard. Or, I guess it kind of hasn’t. It was hard at first, a definite shock, but after that first night I kind of blocked it out. I remember that my dad and my sister came and got me, told me that grammy had died, and that we had to drive to her house to meet my mom. Let me just tell you, shock is very real. It may be hard to understand and you may be a little skeptical if you’ve never experienced it (as was I), but after you do you’ll never doubt again. I was in shock. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, though, I just started to cry. They were such weird tears, too. They were the kind of tears you see actors cry in movies that you think are so obviously fake because they don’t do anything that everyone normally does when they cry. When you think of crying you think of sniffling and sobbing sounds, and squinched faces. Just a general aura of deep sadness. But those actors don’t do anything except stare straight ahead with a blank face as their tears fall, so that can’t be real, right? Wrong. Those are the worst kind of tears. Those are the tears when you know something affects you so deeply that, even though you can’t process it yet, your subconscious already knows how to react. You don’t even feel sad, your body is just doing it by itself. It knows that if you were thinking correctly you would be crying, so it just figures it’ll have your back and just go ahead and do it. That’s when you know something is going to hurt a lot.
The silence was horrendous, too. Everyone was quiet and that silence felt physically heavy. It was like it was pressing in on me from all sides, like it was hard to breathe. And suddenly I just had this burning need to get out of the car, to escape that silent pressure. I needed to talk to somebody, needed to take away the silence. I needed to call my friend.
Dustin, who’s been my friend longer than anyone else. We’ve been best friends since 4th grade and somehow managed to stay in contact all this time, despite all the moving around we’ve both done. He’s the funniest person I know and some part of me knew at that moment that I needed him. When we pulled up at the house, I walked out to the garage and called him. He sounded so happy when he picked up (we hardly talk on the phone) and I felt bad that I was probably going to ruin his day, but as soon as I heard his voice I broke down. And he listened to me sob over the phone while I told him what happened. He told me he was sorry and asked me how my family was doing, specifically my mom. Then he started talking about other stuff, just random things to keep my mind off of things. We talked about how he was going to break the record for having the most children, how we were going to both become poor English teachers and live off the kids’ salaries and his brother’s eventual musical career, how we’re gonna get married when we’re old and live above the country bakery I’ll open. And it was just what I needed. There’s just no room to feel sad when you’re laughing.
That’s the reason I threw myself into YouTube again. Anyone know any great Let’s Players? Chilled Chaos? Seananners? Cryaotic? Cry’s the best, let me tell you. Those guys might as well be my family. I go to them anytime I’m feeling unlucky or depressed, whenever I need a good laugh in general. They’re always there playing games, joking around and being happy. It’s easier to feel happy when you’re watching someone else be happy. They’ve helped me through some tough times. YouTube is a godsend.
Then my uncle came down from Oregon, only the second time I’ve physically seen him. It was easy not to feel sad then. I even put together the slideshow of pictures of my grandma to show at the funeral and it wasn’t hard. But then the funeral came around. I was fine then, too, until the man stood up at the front and started talking. And I crumbled. Mirisa was there, which was good. I needed that support. Then the funeral ended and we went to the outside room for people to come give us their condolences and I had to leave. I find it extremely difficult to cry in front of people and show that vulnerability, so when I saw the first person coming I hugged my dad and ran to the bathroom. I collected myself as I looked in the mirror, then went back out after most of the people had already left. I’ve been fine since then, with the exception of right now when I’m writing this.
We still go over to her house and it feels empty. I have pictures of her up on my dorm room wall and when I look at them I have this weird feeling that I can’t quite explain. They feel empty, kind of like the house. Any pictures of her feel like ghosts. I had a nightmare the other night about her ghost coming back and haunting me and my sister. Now, that messed me up. She’s the first person in my life that’s died that I’ve had any attachment to and that’s a weird adjustment to make to your view of the world. I still feel sad when I look at pictures of her, but it’s some foreign sort of sadness that I’ve never felt before. Almost like a hollow kind of sadness where, if you were to look inside of me, a part of me empties out when I look at the pictures.
I try not to think about it too much because it makes me sad, but it’s hard to think about all the stuff that’s going to happen to me that she won’t get to see. She saw me graduate, but she won’t get to see my sister. She won’t get to see either of us graduate college or get married. She won’t ever be a great-grandma. She was so concerned about my moving away to college, but she never got to say goodbye.
I feel so bad for my roommate right now. She’s getting ready to go out tonight and I know the sniffling sounds coming from my side of the room are anything but pretty right now. I’m almost done though, so at least there’s that. Sorry, Brit.
I guess I’m going to leave off with giving that old advice that everyone gives after experiencing the after effects of death. Don’t wait around. You don’t know what’s going to happen or when, so don’t put off telling someone something because you assume you’ll have the chance to tomorrow. That’ll just lead to regrets, and those are the cavities to your life candy. They’ll just grow and get worse with time, causing more and more pain. You can’t enjoy candy with cavities and you know they won’t make your teeth look better. So, just remember to brush your teeth, kids, with…uh…words I guess? Heartfelt confessions? Something like that. Tell someone you love them and give them a smile every day, even if you feel like crap. If anything, you’ll brighten at least one other person’s world and that should be worth it.
That’s it. Thanks for sticking around if you did. I kind of feel like pretty much all of my posts are really heavy, and I’m sorry if you’re not into that, but that’s just the stuff that’s easy for me to write about. That’s the kind of stuff that feels real to me, so that’s the kind of stuff I want to share. I don’t want to lie to you guys because I love you. Yes, this random girl you’ve never met loves you. Deal with it. Also, you’re beautiful. Goodnight.
P.S. Did anyone read the title and become quickly confused when you actually started reading the post? Because that’s awesome. Your teeth are important though, so get on that.