If you follow what my friends and I do here, if you read the stuff I write, you probably have a general idea of me, of who I am. That’s good and all, that’s nice. But that’s not really me, that’s not everything that I’m made of. I want you to know who I am. I want to tell you about myself so maybe I’ll get a little inside clarity as to who I am because I’m still not quite certain on that. Usually, when I write, and when I keep my words true to myself and what I’m feeling, I end up putting down things that I didn’t even realize I thought before. Writing offers clarity and I will gladly take it. So, I want to formally, and not so formally, introduce myself.
I’m Sara. I’m going to be eighteen in a couple of months. I have long, curly, dirty blonde hair that’s permanently frizzy and thick-rimmed black glasses. I can be a bit of a hipster when it comes to certain things. I’m quiet and shy and bland when I first meet you, but if you care to get close enough I am the opposite.
I am a nerd, self-professed and proud of it. I’m a geek and a dork and I’ll never be afraid to shout that from the rooftops. I’m terrible with girly things like hair and makeup and nail polish, but give me a pen and some paper and issue me a challenge and I’ll knock your socks off. Despite the abundant evidence I’ve provided here, improper grammar physically pains me. I like anime, old movies, and cartoons, and I’ll debate anyone who says that Psych isn’t the best show that has ever existed. I can listen to EDM and alt-rock all day long, but I secretly jam to embarrassingly pop-y songs, too. I love cats way more than any normal person should.
I love snow and winter and watching the rain from my window. I imagine myself as the main character whenever I read a book (which is often) and when I’m alone I pretend I’m playing myself in a long, boring movie about my life. I have a bucklet list so long I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to finish it. I’m awkward around babies, even though society tells me I shouldn’t be because I’m a girl. I think I’m way funnier than I really am. I can be charming, funny, and endlessly talkative over the internet, but I clam up as soon as I see you in person. I’m way cooler online.
I may not do a lot of girly things, but I’m a romantic sap. I want that cliche knight in shining armor, too, I just want him to have a gaming tee, a book, and a dragon instead of armor, a sword, and a horse. I love cuddling, despite the fact that I hate when people touch me. I want somebody to tell me they love me and mean it. I want to be able to tell somebody I love them, too. I want someone to chase after me when I’m mad and to hold me while I’m crying. I’m a wisher and a dreamer, but, paradoxically, I’m a cynic and a worrier. My dialogue is 50% sarcasm, %25 movie and tv references, 15% bad puns and corny jokes, and 10% meaningful conversation.
I’m too quiet and reserved for my own good. I’m too hard on myself to allow any shred of self-esteem or confidence. I get mad too easily sometimes. I can overreact and read too much into things sometimes, too. I worry and worry about the future and stress myself out so much that I end up so scared of making the wrong decisions that I don’t move at all. I’ve made myself a comfortable shell and have stopped actively trying to make friends because I’m tired of them always leaving. I’ve cried myself to sleep before. I feel alone too often to be comfortable. I’m terrified that I’ll always feel that way. I’m a coward and I cry too easily. I take what other people say and don’t say about me too seriously. I don’t think I’m pretty and I always assume someone’s consciously lying if they tell me otherwise. I don’t always think I’m worthy of being loved. I’ve always felt invisible.
But at the same time I love myself. I’m proud of who I am. I’m lonely and quiet, but I’m also funny and awesome. I will always try to be there for you, to listen and understand when you need it because I know how it feels when no one will. I’ll put on a smile to see someone else smile, even if I’m feeling bad. I’m terrified of my future, but that fear drives me to do all I can to make sure it doesn’t end up as bad as I think it will. I have the most awkward laugh and I can’t lie no matter how hard I try, so you know I’m telling the truth. I’m guarded, but if you get close enough I’ll tell you my secrets in a heartbeat because I want you to understand me. I can’t always make myself happy, but I’ll do my best to make sure you’re happy because I think you deserve it. I fall for people too quickly so I try to keep my heart guarded, but I will always love you. I am so complicated, but I’m also really simple. I am the most boring flavor of ordinary, but I’m also extraordinary.
Again, I’m baring my soul to a screen and the strangers on the other side that take the time to read this mess. I don’t know, maybe Bridge Builders is making me feel really sharey. We do that A LOT here. It feels good, though. Writing gives me clarity and I’ve actually made a couple of realizations since I started this. This was emotionally draining. All this digging and self-actualizing is really tiring. This post is really personal, though, and normally I wouldn’t dare put it up for everyone to see, but I feel like I should. If none of this applies to you, that’s great. Good on you. But I know I’m not the only person that’s felt the way I have and do, so I feel like I need to put this out there for somebody like me to find. If you’re feeling any of the stuff that I just talked about, you’re not alone, mmk? There’s at least one crazy girl who’s been in your shoes. This post is way long and probably really bothersome to scroll past if you’re not interested, but I hope it helped you in some way if you decided to give it a chance and stick with it. Either way, I appreciate you.