Dudes. DUDES. I’m getting cabin fever super fierce up in this house. Summer can be loads of fun for some people, and I get that. It’s super fun for me for the first week, maybe two, but I have no life. The internet is my life. I have no real life.
I hardly ever see my friends outside of school and now that we’re out of high school I’m super scared that I’m not going to see them at all. I’m moving away and they’re staying, yada yada yada all that crap I’ve mentioned before. Yeah, it’s only been a week and I probably just need to chill on the whole friendship doomsday prophecies, but I’m a natural worrier. It’s what I do. It’s like my hobby or something. Whatever.
But seriously, cabin fever. SO STRONG. My cabin fever’s not usually that bad during the first month of summer, but since I’m going into this one with the knowledge that I’m probably hardly ever going to see the people I’ve seen every day for the past four years ever again it’s super bad. That’s some hard stuff to process.
But yeah, I probably just need to chill out. I should just enjoy my summer of relative freedom before I scamper off to college in the fall and start having to face real life, or the watered down student version of it anyway. I should be enjoying it, soaking it all in. I’m getting some good quality time with my sister and some much needed cuddles with my cat. To be honest, I’ll probably miss him the most when I leave. Sorry family members, it’s true.
To be honest, though, I kind of wish someone would tell me I’m right. Everyone keeps telling me that all the bad scenarios I’m thinking of won’t happen and that I just need to chill out and look forward to all the fun stuff that I’ll be doing. That’s great and all, and I totally get what they’re trying to do, but I stopped needing that a long time ago. I have more than enough people doing that for me, that’s covered. Now I kind of just want someone to tell me I could be right and that my fears are justified. I need someone to tell me that all those bad scenarios could happen and then hug me and tell me that they won’t let them happen. That would be really nice. It would definitely be more comforting than everyone just shrugging all my fears and worries off like they’re nothing.
Because they’re not nothing. They’re tearing me apart. I’m going mad inside this house, I swear. I’m alone with hardly any human contact, locked away worrying about stuff that won’t even happen for another two months. Two months of stewing in my own worry juices. I’m going crazy. Telling me to chill out isn’t going to help that, it’s just making it worse. It’s just making it seem like I’m being overdramatic and dumb and I’m not. I’m terrified. I am legitemately scared of my future.
Yeah, everyone’s scared of the future. I get that. But that doesn’t make my fears any less real. That comradery doesn’t make it any better because no one ever shows that they’re scared, and that just makes everyone feel more alone. Well Internet, I’m scared. I’m scared of my future. I’m scared of losing my friends. I’m scared of being a failure. I’m scared of going to my high school reunion in ten years and having everyone wonder what happened to me because I had such great potential. I’m scared I’m never going to change and that I’ll keep all these terrible habits and idiosyncracies that I hate. I’m scared I’ll be alone. That’s probably my worst fear, to be honest. Being by myself is okay, but being alone is terrifying. Yeah, there’s a difference. I don’t want to be alone. I really don’t.
Wow, now that I’m rereading this, everything I was writing went downhill pretty quickly. I started out trying to write some decently interesting piece about summer and cabin fever and my stream of consciousness writing took me way deep into this heavy stuff. Sorry, didn’t mean it to come out like that, but on the bright side I feel a little better for letting it all out. It’s out there now. I just bared a little bit of my soul in those few paragraphs. It’s a doozy, am I right? Good luck to whoever gets stuck with me for the rest of their life, they’ll need it.
Anyways, it’s midnight now. Oddly enough, the headache I’ve been nursing all day has magically disappeared after writing this. Maybe it was just stress, who knows? Yeah. I’m sleepy though, so I’m going to go to bed. Again, sorry for the heavy stuff. Stream of consciousness man, I tell ya. Didn’t mean to darken your day, so I hope you have a brighter one. Think of cuddling and cat stomachs and that satisfied feeling you get after you have a really deep, delicious yawn. Yeah, those are good thoughts.